Parasite Eve: The Parody
by bluemoo
Summary: Obviously, a parody of Parasite Eve. Chapter 3: Offended Moogles, repetitive battles, and pink dresses abound. No mad scientists here!
1. The Randomness Begins

Parasite Eve: The Parody.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Parasite Eve or the neverending song or "Disco Inferno". Heck, I don't even own a copy of the game; I borrowed it from a friend of mine. That being said, I hope you enjoy my first attempt at a fanfic.

Resonance, Part 1

or

The Randomness Begins

New York City, December 24th, 1997. Aya Brea was going to the opera on Christmas Eve. But deep in her intuitive police officer gut, she suspected the evening would not go well. Perhaps a great evil was afoot somewhere in the city...

" This is the song that doesn't end; yes it goes on and on my friend..." sang her conpanion.

No, Aya was just stuck with Bill, the most annoying blind date she had ever been with.

" Some people started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just becau-"

"Will you stop singing!" yelled Aya for the 56th time. The cab driver had just threatened to leave them on the side of the street if Bill didn't knock it off.

"But it's the song that never ends!" Bill protested childishly. "It can't end!"

Aya sighed and pulled out her club as the cab driver shouted, "We're here!" When the cab pulled over, Bill paid the fare and opened the door for Aya, oblivious to her irritation. Aya held up her club and hissed, "If I hear so much as a note from that song..."

"YAY!!! OPERA!!! FUN!!!" screeched Bill as he ran to the door.

Aya shook her head. " I'm going to kill you for this, Daniel. "Great personality" my backside. What kind of person uses the words "Opera" and "Fun" together?"

The opera went smoothly, except for two things. The first was in the middle of the first act when during a monologue, some of the audience members heard someone sing out loud, "This is the song that doesn't end, yes it-" The song was punctuated by the sounds of a brutal beating that even the actor heard. Then there was silence.

"Okaaay...um..." The actor stumbled, then went on to finish his speech. However, Aya would not be the only one to snap that night. As Melissa began her opening number, her eyes met those of Aya's. Then the rest of the cast and most of the audience burst into flames.

Aya sighed as she drew her gun amid the still-smoldering corpses. Turning to her date, Aya said, "You better get out of here right now, this place is danger-" Aya caught a glimpse of her date running out the door. "Figures."

As Aya approached the intact opera singer, she heard something quite disturbing. The actress was singing...disco.

"Burn, baby, burn. Disco Inferno, burn baby burn..."

Aya shouted, "NYPD, freeze!"

"Why? Because I'm about to take over the world and kill a bunch of people?"

"Actually, I don't really care for that song and I wanted you to stop."

"Oh..."

"..."

"How come you aren't a pile of ashes?"

"Don't ask me, you're the one setting people on fire."

"Oh, right...oh, yeah your mitochondria are trying to reach out to you. By the way, my name is Eve. I'm going to fight you briefly, then lure you into another room so I can fight another pointless battle with you."

"Huh?"

"Beam Attack!!!" The actress gathered energy around herself and launched an easily-dodgable attack. Aya skipped out of the way and shot her in the head.

"Yes, called shot to the head! I win!"

"Not yet. It's ...FLASHBACK TIME!" Aya then sees a young girl with blond hair lying on a hospital bed.

"That's it?"

"What do you mean "That's it?" That was Maya!"

"Maya?"

"Maya! Your sister?"

"Sister? What sister?"

"How could you forget about your sister Maya!"

"Sorry, I don't know who you're talking about."

"But Maya and your mother died in a very traumatic car crash! How could you forget that!"

"Still doesn't ring a bell..."

"Forget it!." snapped Eve. She took out her copy of the PE script and studied it for a minute. You'd think Eve would've been more prepared, being an opera singer and all. "Well, it's time for me to go. See ya!" Eve then glided away.

Aya followed Eve's path to a giant hole on the stage with questions burning within her. What were Eve's dastardly plans? Why didn't Aya burn along with the others? How did Eve glide and what happened to her feet? And should Aya wait for backup?

"Hell no! I can do this all by myself!" exclaimed Aya as she leapt into the hole.

So much for that intuitative police officer gut.

Well, how did I do? Please read and review!


	2. Yes, Virginia, There Are Alligators

Parasite Eve: the Parody.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Parasite Eve or "Pinky and the Brain". Or the NRA. Or Little Kuriboh. Or any and all zombie movies. Or Yu-Gi-Oh. Or Star Wars. Or Barney. I also made up the Book of Inspirational Quotes. Hey, you can't blame a girl for covering her bases.

Things are about to get crazier. Or at least more humorous. Nah, scratch that, it's just going to be crazier.

Resonance, Part 2

or

Yes, Virginia, There Are Alligators in the NYC Sewers.

Aya dropped down the hole and then saw a small, ghostly girl who looked very familiar... Very familiar indeed...

"Hey, you're the girl from the flashback!"

The mysterious girl sighed. _Did she suffer brain damage in the car accident too?_ She ran off towards the doors and disappeared.

"Hey! Come back here!" shouted Aya as she chased after her. Aya ran through the hallway and entered a room with two burnt bodies. Aya shivered. "I see dead people..." Suddenly, one of the bodies twitched and groaned. Aya whirled around and pointed a gun at the body. "It's a zombie!"

The charred woman gasped out her dying words: "Not... a... zombie... Melissa... is...a...mon-"

Aya emptied her gun into the woman's head. "Take that, you undead fiend! You won't be eating anyone's brains tonight!" Aya beamed "And to think Daniel called me crazy for watching those zombie movies."

Eve and her new sidekick were plotting in the piano room. "What are we going to do tonight, Eve?" asked a white lab rat.

"The same thing we're going to do for the next six days, Pinky." replied Eve. "Try to take over the world!

"Hey, what happened to Brain?"

"Oh, he's on a special mission. He's doing great and can't wait to see you." Eve said.

Meanwhile, in a small, filthy cage in the Warehouse...

"It feels like I'm dying inside!" moaned a shackled Brain.

Not much later in the piano room...

"By the way, I'm sending you to fight Aya. I'm sure you can beat her." Eve smiled and patted Pinky on the head before shooing him into the corridor.

"Hey, I feel kinda funny." said Pinky. "I feel like... like my mitochondria are rebelling against me, turning me into a nearly unrecognizable monster."

"Do you even know what mitochondria is?"

"Yep, it's the moldy cheese I ate an hour ago. Narf!"

Eve sighed. _Was brain damage a part of his testing?_

Back to Aya. She searched chests, fought mutated parrots and rats, and waded through a bunch of dead people. Technically, looting other people's lockers and chests would be stealing and invasion of privacy, but since the theatre is overrun with monsters, all is well. God bless RPG logic! Aya opened a chest and found ammo. "Hold on! Why would there be live ammo in a theatre? Wait a minute..." Aya pulled out her program for that night's performance. On the back it said, "Tonight's performance is sponsored by the Fine Arts Committee of New York and the NRA. That still doesn't explain how the rats drop ammo." Aya said.

While she was pondering this, Aya entered Melissa's (AKA Eve's) room and proceeded to read her diary. "Hmm, take more medicine and practice for the part Suzanne and I have... I feel hot, need more meds... collapsed today, need more meds... Suzanne's apartment mysteriously bursts into flames and convenently paves the way for me to take the part alone, need more meds... Hmm, junkie much? Five bucks says there's pot in her drawer." Aya searched the drawer, but instead found a Theater Key. "I don't know why, but I have a feeling this random key will be needed later on."

As Aya approached the door at the end of the hallway, a large mutant rat popped out in front of her. This rat, however, was different. The fur was albino, its teeth was flat instead of sharp and pointy like the other mutant rats, and the nose was red and the size of a basketball. The rat's eyes met Aya's for a brief second. Then...

"Zort!" With that, Pinky bounced over Aya and down the hall, looking for cheese. If he was going to kill this Aya person, it was best he do it on a full stomach.

Aya unlocked the door and entered the piano room, where Eve was waiting. "Hi! Ready for Pointless Battle Number 2?"

"Bring it on, freak girl!"

The battle really was pointless: Aya's signature "called shot to the head" didn't work this time, so Aya had to duck Eve's beams of light, and shot her in the torso a few times. However, the battle ended without Aya gaining EXP. "I went through this stupid battle for nothing!?"

"That's right. Now it's... FLASHBACK TIME! A white light blinded Aya and she had a vision of the same small blonde girl on a hospital bed, overseen by a dark-haired man in a white lab coat.

"Hey! That's just the same flashback as before, just with a mysterious doctor!" said Aya.

Eve sighed "Did you not notice Maya?"

"Who?"

"Grrr... just evolve already, ok? Maybe then you won't be a complete idiot. Now follow me!" said Eve as she crashed through the floor into the sewers below. Aya tried to follow Eve, but a mutant alligator blocked her path.

"Alright, boss fight time! Momma needs a pair of alligator boots and a purse to match!" Aya again tried to use her "called shot to the head" technique but kept getting hit by the alligator's tail. Suddenly, the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi appeared and said "Use the force, Aya!"

"Wrong galaxy, old man!"

"Hold on, young lady; I'm supposed to say something inspirational here..." Obi-Wan looked in his Book of Inspirational Quotes. "Hmm..."I got it! Believe in the Heart of the Cards!"

"I'm not playing a frigging card game!"

"Okay... I love you, you love me-"

"How is THAT inspirational?!"

"Friendship can overcome anything! Oh wait... that's in the Tea section of the book. My bad."

Aya was growing frustrated with the Jedi spirit. _What will words of inspiration do anyway? Take out the tail?_ Suddenly Aya had an epiphany. "Yes, that's it... kill the tail and the head will follow. Time to use my newest technique, which I just now made up: CALLED SHOT TO THE TAIL!" Aya aimed her gun at the alligator's tail, fired, ... and missed. Fortunately, the bullet instead hit the alligator's spine and paralyzed it from the neck down. The alligator fell face first into the water and drowned a few minutes later. Ironic, isn't it?

"Now I got it!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. "The Force will be with you always."

"That was rather anticlimatic." said Aya. She crawled out of the sewers and came face to face with another feared creature: the rabid reporter.

"How are you the only survivior of this massacre? What attacked the theatre tonight on Christmas Eve? Where did you get those awesome boots and matching purse?" Before Aya could answer, the reporter got mauled by a large white mutant rat.

"Cheese!" Pinky shouted, clawing for the grilled cheese sandwich the reporter had conveniently brought along. As Aya made her getaway, Pinky finished his sandwich. "Now what was I supposed to do again?"

Love it? Hate it? Want to burn me at the stake? You could just get Eve to do it, you know. But what Eve can't do is leave a review. Tell me how I did, please!


	3. Snakes in a Park

Parasite Eve: The Parody

Please don't shoot! (Holds hands up in the air). I have a reason for taking so long to update! There was a big paper and these midterms and this speech and ALL THIS HOMEWORK!!! Sniff... I can't memorize 30 drugs and their brand names and their uses...I'm a bad Pharm. Tech major...Sniff...

1st time I posted this chapter, I looked at and thought "AHHHH! I POSTED THIS!?!" Mistakes were everywhere, so I did some editing. I promise I'll never write fanfics half asleep again!

But enough sorry excuses from me. On with the story!

Disclaimer: This is just a parody I wrote for my own amusement and possibly the amusement of others. This is not for profit. I DO NOT own Parasite Eve. Let's see, what else don't I own...I don't own Alfred Hitchcock or his movies, I don't own Channel 3 (I actually rolled a pair of dice and came up with 3). I don't own Final Fantasy Tactics Advance or any other FF games, chocobos, moogles, bangaas or viera. I don't own Kingdom Hearts. I don't own "Snakes on a Plane", I don't own Power Rangers, I don't own Nintendo DS, Mario, Peach, and I don't own Coca-Cola. The quote, "You're that person..." is from my friend Danny. OK, I think that's all... TRY TO SUE ME NOW!!! (Lawyer comes in with obscure loophole.) EEP! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY! I WAS JUST KIDDING!

Author's Note: I will now have the "review so (blank) will happen" gimmick. I can't guarantee when my chapters will be up, so for every 5 reviews, I will post 1 blooper scene for the epilogue.

Fusion, Part One

or

Snakes in a Park

The next day, Aya, her partner Daniel Dollis, and Capt. Douglas Baker stood in front of the press to answer questions about the attack at Carnegie Hall. One reporter asked, "Why were Officer Aya Brea and her date the only people unscathed?"

Aya snorted, "First, my date was the spawn of Satan. The guy wouldn't shut up! I had to beat him up with my bat- I mean with my witty, nonviolent comments. The only reason he wasn't toasted is because the annoying people are always left to bug the crap out of you. Think about it: Kingdom Hearts has a bunch of cool FF characters to tag along as sidekicks. So why does Sora get saddled with Donald and Goofy? Also, in Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, you get saved by a freaking moogle.Honestly, a moogle. A bangaa or a viera would have been much cooler."

"I object to that statement, kupo!" shouted the moogle reporter from Channel 3. " We moogles are super kupo! In any case, how did YOU survive?"

Capt. Baker interrupted the arguement. "She survived due to her training as a police officer, especially the new "Fighting in a Dress" course that is mandatory for all police officers in New York City to attend."

Daniel shuddered. "That class still gives me nightmares."

_**Flashback Sequence:**_

"I don't know why the men have to go through this... class." said Daniel in a pink frilly dress.

"It's the politically correct thing to do. If women have to fight in a dress during an emergency situation, why not men?" replied Cathy, the main instructor for the course.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" shouted Daniel.

"Says the man who failed his "Combat in High Heels" course."

"I refuse to stay in this freaking class any longer!"

"Fine." Cathy pointed to the creepy drag queen at the back of the room. "HE will be your instructor."

Daniel twitched. "Not him... anyone but him...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

_**End of Flashback Sequence**_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Daniel screamed. The press backed away from the crazy officer having a sudden and mysterious breakdown.

Aya noticed that the press conference was going downhill. There was only one thing to do. Aya shouted into the microphone: "I HAVE SUPERMITOCHONDRIAL POWERS SIMILAR TO EVE, WHO'S TRYING TO DESTROY ALL MANKIND!" However, the press wasn't interested in the fate of mankind so much as a grown man huddled in a fetal position. Capt. Baker hurriedly ended the press conference.

**In Capt. Baker's Office...**

"This press conference was a complete and utter failure!" said Capt. Baker.

"Was it because I'm secretly an abusive date?" asked Aya.

"No."

"Was it because I offended the Moogle community? I meant "freaking moogle" as a term of indearment."

"No."

"Was it because I may have sparked mass panic by revealing who Eve is and her plans of mass destruction?"

"NO! It was because SOMEONE had a mental breakdown in the middle of the press conference." Capt. Baker glared at the huddled, whimpering Daniel in the corner of the room. "Now the public will think we're a bunch of pansies who couldn't handle a traffic violation, much less a huge emergency."

Suddenly the phone rang. "NYPD, Capt. Baker speaking. "Wait, you're a Japanese scientist who could help us stop Eve? So why haven't you called the military? Oh, right. Politics." Capt. Baker hung up the phone. "On an unrelated subject, I want you two to visit a scientist who specializes in mitochondria who JUST HAPPENS to work in the Museum of Natural History."

"Yay! Mission Time!" shouted Daniel, all past trauma forgotten. Daniel ran to his police cruiser, Aya in tow.

**At The Museum Of Natural History, Where the Banner of The Chocobo Flies Proudly Overhead...**

"Hey, Dr. Klamp!" said Aya, cautiously entering Klamp's lab room. "We're the police. What do you know about mitochondria?"

"Are you accusing me of something? I'm not a mad scientist." said Klamp, typing away at his computer.

"Okaaaaaay...so what's going on with the mitochondria?" asked Daniel. "Aren't they just supposed to be parasites?"

"NO! Parasites are awesome and evolutionary and downright cuddly!"

"That's nice..." Aya said, keeping her distance. Daniel added, "And don't even think about clamming up, because I can make angry hand gestures that scare people."

Klamp continued, "Without mitochondria people wouldn't have fingers or energy or anything at all! Without mitochondria humans would be nothing! NOTHING, I TELL YOU! I LOVE MITOCHONDRIA!" Klamp then launched into a 4-hour-long rant on the greatness of mitochondria, complete with scientific facts. Not that he's a mad scientist or anything. Aya and Daniel got bored within the first five minutes and left him there in his lab room as he ranted to himself.

**Back at the station (or more specifically, the armory room) ...**

"Guns are BAD!" yelled Torres, wearing a "Guns Kill" T-shirt.

"Guns are COOL and FUN to play with!" Wayne yelled back, wearing a "2nd Amendment, Baby!" T-shirt.

"You're an imbecile!"

"You're paranoid!"

Aya came into the room. "Am I interrupting you two?"

"No, just our second-favorite pasttime: expressing our views on gun control." said Torres.

"What's your first pasttime?" Aya asked.

"Cursing the idiot in HR who decided that putting Torres and me in the same room day after day was a good idea." Wayne answered.

Aya continued. "Anyways, I need an upgrade. I got a Mod Permit from Capt. Baker and..."

"I AM NOT UPGRADING THAT WEAPON OF YOURS JUST SO YOU KILL MORE STUFF!"

"Torres..."

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE A MOD PERMIT, I REFUSE!"

"Torres, I just want to add another slot to my armor."

"...Oh...well, I can do that." said Torres. "Sorry I snapped at you, Aya. You see, (at this point, Wayne pulls out a violin and plays a sad, angsty melody) my daughter died in a horrible gun accident,so I avoid using guns as much as possible. And since I saw that horrible car accident last week, I walk to work so I won't get in a deadly car wreck."

"Thanks!" said Aya as she left the armory room and met up with Capt. Baker and Daniel.

"Hey, I got a new lead in the case. Eve's next target is the concert at Central Park." said Capt. Baker.

"Wait, that's where my son Ben is!" shouted Daniel. "He's going to that concert with my ex-wife. We need to save him!"

"You didn't mention that you had a son before." said Aya

"It's not my fault! Blame the fanfic writer for forgetting Ben until now!"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall and start the car; we're going to Central Park!

**At Central Park**...

"Ben, here I come!" shouted Daniel as he ran into Central Park. Or rather, the first two feet of Central Park before he caught on fire. "Crap! Now how am I going to rescue Ben without getting turned into a pile of ashes?"

"Don't worry, Daniel. I'll save your family single-handedly!" Aya announced heroically.

"That's cool, Aya."

"No, no, no, that's not right!"

"What?"

"You gave up too easily! You're supposed to argue with me and say, "He's my only son, my responsibility, blah, blah, blah..." and so forth. Then I make an undeniable statement and you reluctantly let me rescue him all by myself."

"But you're my partner and ..."

"Grow a freaking backbone already and argue like a man!" Aya stormed off into the park. The first thing she encountered was a flock of mutant birds and a mutant snake. While the birds were easily taken out with a called shot to the head, the snake proved to be somewhat harder.

Then Aya got attacked by another flock of mutant birds. "I'm in an Alfred Hitchcock movie!" And then she got attacked by another group of snakes. Aya went into a building and grabbed some items out of some chests which conveniently happened to be in the area. Aya got attacked by another bunch of snakes. Aya found a dead body and the way to the concert hall. Aya fought yet another group of snakes.

Aya finally got to the concert just in time to see Eve turn the audience into goo. Aya was horrified at what she saw. Well, more grossed out than anything, but it's almost the same thing. "Eeeeeww...it's like watching the first Power Rangers Movie...except this is actually more enjoyable. Well, I guess since I came too late to save anyone, I might as well fight Eve. But how do I reach the stage where Eve is?" Suddenly, a very familiar blonde child gave Aya a map. "Hey, you're that person from that place at that time!"

The girl stared at her like "WTF?" and vanished. Aya charged onto stage just as Eve headed into the forest...err... wooded area of the park. Aya raced after her and battled some more snakes. Then a mutant polar bear. Then some other snakes. Aya ran into a pair of monkeys and a bunch of rock and moss...thingies... and to no one's surprise, more snakes. Aya battled giant earthworms and then (you guessed it!) more snakes.

"That's it! I've had it with these m-----f------ snakes in this m-----f------ park!" shouted Aya as she turned the corner to face Eve. "You!"

"Come ride with me on this magical horse-drawn carriage."

"You just turned an auditorium full of people into goo, not to mention you nearly burned down Carnegie Hall. Why would I let my guard down and ride with you?"

"Shut up and get in the carriage." As Aya got into the carriage, Eve set the horse on fire and, amid the noises coming from the incinerating horse running through the streets, asked Aya, "Why won't you join me?"

"One, I'm human. Two, I just don't like you."

"Die! Pointless Battle Number 3!" Eve clawed at Aya, but a lucky called shot to the head cut the battle short. Unfortunately, the horse died and the carriage spun out of control, hitting a wall and knocking Aya unconcious.

"Hmm...I could just kill her now and eliminate the threat she poses, but since she's the main character, I can't kill her off this early in the game." Eve sighed and left.

**Meanwhile...**

"Ben, you're alive!" exclaimed Daniel as his son walked out, engrossed in his Nintendo DS.

"Yeah, no thanks to you or your loser partner Aya. Anyways, Mom disappeared during the concert and I have no idea where she is or if she's even still alive. On a lighter note, I beat the latest Mario game. Want to see the credits?" Ben then shows Daniel an image of Peach in a frilly pink gown. Daniel twitched.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

**Back at The Chocobo-Loving Museum of Natural History...**

Dr. Klamp finished his rant and realized no one was there. "Oh well, everything's going as planned for my evil plot. Not that I'm a mad scientist or anything."

**Author's Note: Yes, I let some scenes out. Those are for the next chapter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need some sleep. Thanks for reading!!!**


End file.
